Amanda Beard: Olympic swimmer reveals her struggles with clinical depression, bulimia and low self esteem
Amanda Beard bravely speaks about her battles with clinical depression, bulimia and low self esteem in her book titled: “In the Water They Can’t See Me Cry”.
Once a 14-year-old scene-stealer at the 1996 Olympics, swimmer Amanda Beard now is a mother of two with a message for young athletes: Have fun.
It sounds simple, but she knows how difficult it can be. Even as she was breaking records in the pool, Beard struggled with depression, bulimia, substance abuse and cutting herself. She chronicles her battles in her 2012 memoir, “In the water, they can’t see you cry.”
Beard will discuss her athletic success and the importance of living a balanced life in three talks during the Living Well show, which runs Friday and Saturday, Jan. 10-11, at DeVos Place in Grand Rapids.
Still swimming and working to make the U.S. National Team for the 2016 Olympics, Beard says she is truly happy for the first time in years – and that that pays off in the pool. Looking back over her career, she realizes, “I have swum my best when I have truly been enjoying what I’m doing.”
Beard captured the national spotlight in 1996 when she claimed two silver medals in breaststroke events and a gold in the medley relay. The public was captivated by her youth, her beaming smile and the teddy bear that she carried.
Now 32, she says her memories of that time are “almost like fuzzy dreams.”
“I can’t remember everything perfectly. I have all these awkward moments of myself documented,” she said. “I’m around these amazing athletes while going through my teen years, and it’s pretty hilarious how nonchalant and oblivious I was to everything going on around me.”
She went on to swim in three more Olympics and twice broke the world record in the 200-meter breaststroke.
Beard says she admires her parents’ approach to her swimming career. They supported her, but let her decide how much she wanted to devote to the sport.
“They never made me go to practices,” she said. “It wasn’t what defined who I was in my family’s eyes. If I stopped swimming, my family wouldn’t blink an eye.”
Still, as she struggled with the pressures of competition and being in the spotlight, she kept her feelings to herself.
“I was really, really awful at communicating, at opening up and sharing my feelings,” she said. “Whenever I heard anything negative about myself, it hit me so hard, but I never allowed anybody to know what I was thinking or dealing with.”
A negative loop played in her mind, saying she was “ugly, stupid, unworthy of love.” She developed a warped view of herself, which led to self-destructive behaviors.
Her turnaround came when she met her husband, Sacha Brown, a photographer and artist. When she talked about her mental health struggles, he helped her find a therapist.
“I always thought if someone saw my true colors, they would just turn away,” she said. “He didn’t. He was very loving and supportive.”
She encourages young people struggling with depression, eating disorders or other issues to speak up and seek help.
“Once you open your mouth and start to talk to people, you really start to go on the right path of getting healthier,” she said. “It’s baby steps.”
Beard and her husband have a 4-year-old son, Blaise, and a 7-month-old daughter, Doone. She wants to expose them to a wide range of sports and artistic activities and see what triggers their interest.
Although she wants her kids to see what can be achieved with hard work, she also believes being a mom helps her find balance as a swimmer.
“My kids put a really good perspective on my life,” Beard said. “They help me figure out what’s truly important. At the end of the day, if I win a gold medal or I don’t win a gold medal, if my kids are happy and healthy, I’m good. That’s my priority.”